Killed by the Sea
by UltimateOptimist
Summary: What if Nikki had died instead of ET....how would ET feel? Some Buffer in this too....THIRD CHAPTER HAS BEEN POSTED
1. Chapter 1

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I'm in denial about ET....but what if Nikki had died instead of ET??

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ET looked out into the ocean, everything seemed like normal, the sun was setting in the sky, giving it a warm orange glow. But nothing was normal about today, or would be ever again, today he lost the thing he loved more in the world. Nikki.

He was still in shock, a cold numbness was present. As if today wasn t real but a surreal dream he couldn t wake up from. But it was real, he could still see her face, so still and expressionless, he felt her cold skin underneath his hands. His fiance, his Nav was gone.

"You should be getting some sleep" Buffer's voice came from behind him and interrupted his thoughts.

ET just nodded, a painful lump was beginning to form in his throat. How could he sleep? Knowing he would no longer hug her or touch her again. He would never hear her playful laugh or see that smile.

"Look Mate" Buffer began, knowing how deep his feelings were for Nikki, none of the crew mentioned it particularly but that didn t mean they hadn't noticed. He himself was close to Nikki and knew that she felt just as strongly about the blonde technician as he did for her.

"We were going to get married" ET whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

"What?" Buffer blurted out before he could stop himself. He had no idea, no-one had.

"We.....we've been seeing each other for a while ..I.....I......proposed to her and she accepted. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her" ET admitted, his hands gripping the railings that ran around the ships deck. He was going to move ships, then they could finally be together.

"I'm sorry" Buffer replied, knowing the words were inadequate but not knowing what to say or do to ease his friends pain.

"She didn't even like diving that much" ET laughed bitterly at the irony of the situation, tears beginning to roll slowly down his cheek. He was the keen diver, not her. She was getting into it to try and get closer to him, so they could go on trips together.

Buffer just nodded, he himself struggling to control his emotions. To loose Nikki, a woman he cared deeply about was a unbelievably huge blow, but to see ET this broken also hurt. He looked so upset and old, a shell compared to the cheeky,active man.

"Mate if there's anything I can do....." Buffer began.

"Thanks" ET sighed, tears still running down his face. "But you can't bring her back" He whispered.

"No I can't" Buffer sighed, his own throat tightening as he thought of Nikki lying there. So pale and lifeless.

ET was past hearing, he was too busy thinking of the night he proposed. Tears rolled silently down his face and his body trembled yet he made no sound. Was it his fault? He could have been on leave, treating her they way she deserved to be treated. Where was he when she was struggling to breathe? When she was dying? His breathing was quickening rapidly.

"It's not your fault Josh" Buffer stated softly, ET flinched at the name, only Nikki called him that.

"Sorry" Buffered whispered, realising what he had done but he was only trying to catch ET's attention. "Take some deep breathes for me" Buffer instructed, worried he was going to start hyperventilating

ET obliged, and concentrated on his breathing. Suddenly he felt extremely tired and the tears had stopped.

"C'mon let's get back to the rack ok?" Buffer told him, ET nodded to distraught to even argue.

The trip back was silent, ET too caught up in grief to even know where he was going. He was numb to the world. Swain had saw them both on the way, he was also going to the top deck, too restless and shocked to sleep, the medic had gave them a small sad smile, gone unnoticed by ET.

Once in his room ET lay on top of his covers, curled into a ball as more tears overcame him. He sobbed for the only woman he had ever loved, killed by another big passion in his life, killed by the sea.

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**Any good?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Huge thanks to all those who reviewed! Its a big confidence boost as i'm new to this fandom. My muse wasn't done so here's a second part**

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It had been a week, just seven days since Nikki s body had been found and the funeral was already here. ET hands shook as he finished putting on his uniform, Nikki's parents had asked him to speak and he had agreed, he owed her that much.

They had got to port 4 days ago, the days had passed in a blur of concerned faces and condolences. He was staying with Spider, unable to face the fussing of his family at his mothers or going back to the apartment they had shared together. The one where he had got down on one knee and proposed. In fact he hadn't been back there at all, Spider had went around to get clothes for him as he was unable to face the memories the place had.

Spider felt a lump in his throat as he watched his friend struggle to fasten the buttons on his shirt, it felt as if he was intruding on ET's grief. The loss of Nikki hurt so bad, they had grown close after many late night patrols together but to see ET try and cope was worse. He was so broken, the past 7 days he had barely slept or ate he was a zombie.

Clearing his throat to announce his presence and try to get rid of the lump in it he asked, "Mate, you almost ready to go?" Knowing that he would never be truly ready to say goodbye, how could he?

ET took a deep breath, "As I'll ever be" Spider nodded.

"Spid? Thanks....for well letting me stay" ET stated, the gratitude obvious in his tone of voice.

"No worries .....Look I know that it feels unbearable right know and no words can take away that pain but you re not alone here" Spider told him sincerely.

ET felt fresh tears pick the back of his eyes but he swallowed them, he couldn t cry yet. He had to be strong today.

"Thanks" He answered, his voice managing to stay strong, "Didn't know you could be so deep Spid" He smiled softly, it wasn't his usual drive-women mad grin but it was a start and Spider had to be grateful for that.

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The service was small, with only Nikki's family,some of ET's family and friends there. It was all she would have wanted ET thought as he walked into the church. As he walked down the aisle he hesitated, realising that this should have been their wedding, with the people here being those to watch them take their vows and spend the rest of their lives together not to say goodbye. He should have been watching Nikki walk down here in a white dress not in......a coffin.

Kate watched the calm mask ET was hiding under slip slightly and grabbed his hand, squeezing it silently. The night Nikki had been found she looked up to the stars and made a promise that she would look after ET for her.

ET looked at her and smiled slightly, trying to convince her he was ok despite tears beginning to form in his eyes.

Spider could feel Bomber's hand shaking underneath his as they sat down, he rubbed smooth, calming circles with his thumb. A way of telling her that he was there for her. She was not alone and Bomber took comfort in that.

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"Today is the hardest thing I have ever to do" ET began as he stood next to the coffin.

"I.... I don't have anything written down, I figured I d get up here and somehow I would know what to say.......kind of like what I imagined to do at my wedding...... Although Nikki would have killed me if she knew about my plan" He paused as people chuckled softly through their tears.

"How do I describe her? She is.......was......." ET had to pause for a second to pull himself together, "unique, and everyone here knows how special she was. I loved her, in a way which I had never loved anyone in my entire life and I always will." Kate couldn't hold back the tears at this point, Mike wrapped his arm around her shoulders, choked himself.

Buffer sat listening, a lump beginning to form in his throat at the words.

ET took another deep breath, "Nikki Caetano was one of a kind, and while we grieve that she is gone, I think we should all remember the good times we shared with her and how lucky we are to have had her be a part of our lives. I hope people in heaven know how lucky they are they now have one more angel" ET smiled softly through the tears in his eyes.

Everyone stood on their feet, clapping quietly as ET stepped down and went back to his seat, wiping away tears.

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ET was in the graveyard alone. He was kneeling at her grave. He was exhausted emotionally and physically.

"I 'll never ever forget you ..I love you." He whispered, his eyes sore from crying.

"You did great today" Kate told him as she walked up to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"How can I live without her?" ET whispered brokenly.

"You carry on, you can feel sad, angry, kick or scream.....whatever you need to do. Trust me one day it will get easier" Kate spoke softly.  
ET nodded, unable to speak.

Kate took his hand and slowly he stood up. Kate wrapped him into a big hug as he sobbed quietly on her shoulder.

_See Nikki? I promised I'd look after him_, she thought looking up into the clouds.

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**What did you think?**


	3. Chapter 3

**My muse still was not satisified! So here's a third chapter....Thanks for all the great reviews.**

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ET was staring at the front door of his apartment. It had been two days since the funeral and time for him to try and sort some things out. The loss of Nikki was still unbelievably raw, his heart still shattered, but she wouldn't want him to hide away from his responsibilities. He had to do this.

Spider had dropped him off 10 minutes ago, but he couldn't go in. It was stupid really, he was scared of the apartment and all the memories that the walls held. Taking a deep breath he placed a trembling hand on the handle and let himself in. Spider and Kate had both offered to go with him but this was something he really needed to do on his own.

Tears began to form as he saw all the things that reminded him of her. The blue top she wore when he proposed was hanging up on the door, as if waiting to be worn. He smiled sadly as he remembered the moment he got down on one knee, he could hear her voice in his head saying yes. Slowly he picked the top up and smelt it, he could still smell the faint traces of her perfume on it. His stomach squeezed as it struck him how he would never see her wear that top, or smell that perfume on her skin. He was alone.

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"I think I should have gone with him" Spider sighed sadly as he played with his coffee cup.

"I'm sure he just wanted to be alone" Bomber soothed. They had 2 weeks of leave due to Nikki's death. Currently the pair were sitting in a coffee shop , not wanting to be alone with their thoughts or in their homes.

Spider nodded, taking a sip of coffee, smiling sadly as he was reminded of how much Nikki loved coffee, she always had hers strong. A navigators best friend she would joke.

"I just can't take it all in" Bomber admitted. After a fairly shaky start with the crew her and Nikki had grown quite close, to think that she would never speak to her again brought tears to her eyes.

"Me neither" Spider agreed, rubbing his eyes. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically.

"You look tired" Bomber observed.

Spider nodded, "ET's not really been sleeping and neither have you I take it" She pressed.

"I'm so worried....sometims I hear him, sometimes he gives up and goes and watches TV. He's quiet but I can hear him" He shrugged. He hated seeing ET so quiet and drawn, he was just a shell of the man he was 2 weeks ago or so.

Bomber grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze, she knew how draining it was for him to constantly watch over and worry about his friend.

"He'll get through this" Bomber assured him.

"I don't know Bomb ..I don t think he'll ever be the same"

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Kate sat on the rocks near the port looking out over the sea. Nikki loved the sea, all the crew did, which was just as well as they lived at it for weeks at a time. Thoughts of her best friend on the ship ran through her mind, they pair were really close after spending a long time being the only females on the ship.

Why did she have to die? Nikki was young, happy and in love.......finally. Her and ET hadn t made it easy but they got there. Why now?

"You ok?" Mike s voice asked from behind her.

"Yeah" Kate replied, trying to smile but failing.

"How's ET?" Mike asked, sitting down beside her.

"Don't know" Kate shrugged, since the funeral she hadn't spoken to anyone. They all needed some time and space to try and deal with their grief.

Mike nodded.

"I miss her so much" Kate admitted tearfully, her bottom lip quivering.

"I know" Mike sighed, wrapping his arms around her as the blonde cried silently into his chest.

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Each drawer ET opened held agony for him. He was currently putting her clothes into boxes to send to her family. He would keep photos of them both but most things belonged to her mother.

Frowning he picked up a shoe box with the words 'Memories' written on it. Opening it his heart seemed to break even further as the box was full of photos. Nikki had kept the cinema tickets of their first proper date. His hand shook as he picked up the small umbrella that was in the cocktail she had drank at the bar afterwards, not quite believing she had kept that. Tears ran down his cheeks, as he saw her favourite picture of them. It was of them at the crew s favourite bar where they often drank at once getting into port. She looked stunning, her long hair worn down with a pink dress while he wore a plain t-shirt, both of them were mid laughter with his arm draped over her shoulder. Neither had know the picture had been taking until Bomber had gave them each a copy of it a week later.

He couldn t believe this. Why did Nikki have to die? Why wasn t it him? He never thought her could hurt as bad as he did right now. Tears ran quickly down his cheeks. He wasn't alive without her..... He was merely just existing.


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